So You Wanna Talk Like the Times?

You want to be thought of as sophisticated and yet not realize the remarkably consistent unintentional humor you will provide? Well, you're in luck!

Regular readers of the unsigned commentaries delivered every day on the New York Times editorial page might note the Andrew Rosenthal-led gang's proclivity to use certain words. I call them Times words and phrases and have referenced them in earlier posts. We may have to update once a week if necessary, but here is today's installment...

"A Step Closer to Justice":

assure, we fear*, it is not enough

"Sticker Shock and Awe at the Pentagon":

disturbing*, incredible, mystery, Congress should be willing*, That is what we call a sound... (note: the word "sound" is also acceptable by itself)

"Louisiana Tries Again":

notoriously troubled (note: "troubled" shows up in consecutive paragraphs!), needs to make sure*, should embrace the advice of*

428 Wolves:

Sadly, It is still possible, We hope*

CLIFFNOTES VERSION, VOL. I:

WE FEAR
DISTURBING
CONGRESS SHOULD BE WILLING
NEEDS TO MAKE SURE
SHOULD EMBRACE THE ADVICE OF
WE HOPE

Alack! What good are these words and phrases without talking points? Can Pinch and Andy deliver? Of course they can!

Rinse and Repeat...

WE FEAR THAT THE ROBBER SENT TO PRISON WILL BECOME A VIOLENT CRIMINAL, WHAT HE TRULY NEEDS IS COUNSELING! (note: combining "we fear" and "truly" is the sign of a master Timesologist)

THE FACT THAT CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN G. ROBERTS HAS TILTED THE COURT TO THE RIGHT IS DISTURBING (bonus points if you add the adjective, "profoundly").

CONGRESS SHOULD BE WILLING TO IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY JUST FOR LOOKING INSIDIOUS AND BECAUSE WE DO NOT RESPECT THE 51% OF THE ELECTORATE THAT SENT THESE TWO CLOWNS BACK TO WORK IN DC.

JOHN MCCAIN NEEDS TO MAKE SURE THAT HIS SURROGATES DO NOT ATTACK BARACK OBAMA'S CANDIDACY IN ANY WAY, OR WE WILL CALL IT "SWIFT-BOATING" AND DEMAND THAT HE CEASE AND DESIST OR ELSE WE WILL NEVER CALL HIM "MAVERICK" AGAIN.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH SHOULD EMBRACE THE ADVICE OF ISLAMIC REPUBLIC PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD AND IMMEDIATELY COMMENCE AN ORDERLY ARMED FORCES RETREAT FROM IRAQ AND CONCLUDE HIS DISASTROUS WAR (note: any references to the Iraq conflict MUST include the word "disastrous").

WE HOPE THAT SENATOR HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON (WHOM WE ENDORSED AND FETED FOR SEVEN YEARS) EXITS THE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL RACE BEFORE WE GET EXTREMELY UPSET AND ACT SURPRISED AT HER BEHAVIOR EVEN KNOW WE SHE'S THE SAME PERSON FROM 1992.